Interesting theory,
by Madd Aless
Summary: Interesting theory, this is Sam's comment at the end of 5x20.  What was he thinking and how did he arrive at that conclusion?  No pairings   Sam POV  Dean, Bobby, Crowley, and Brady mentioned


Spoilers: Through 'The Devil You Know" 5x20

Disclaimer: All things Supernatural belong to the show and Kripke. I'm just borrowing them for amusement only.

**A/N my take on what was in Sam's head during and after 'The Devil You Know"**

"maybe the only difference between you and a demon is your hell is right here"

Those had been Brady's last words, well actually the demon who had taken over Brady.

Yes, it was indeed an interesting theory. Sam decided as he walked by the brother he was no longer sure of.

Dean had said 'that the angels and demons didn't get it and that they should be of us'. Sam was part of that us but not an equal part as shown by Dean's decision earlier. Dean had chosen to accept Crowley's help, in spite of his objections. Hell in spite of the fact Crowley was a demon. Dean had walked out leaving him behind.

The idea, his hell was here. Sam had being feeling things along those lines ever since winding up in that plane after freeing Lucifer, he'd just never stated the idea quite that baldly.

A few months ago Dean had said he could never trust him again because he had chosen a demon over his own brother. Well that was what Dean had just done and the only difference he could see was that Dean had done it front of him while he, himself had knwon Dean was lost to the fires of Hell and Ruby's help was the only way he stood a chance of destroying Lillith and carrying on the family business.

His hell being here, maybe not hell but at least purgatory. Him hating what he saw in the mirror everyday partly because of knowing about the demon blood running in his veins. The fact that he'd survived his stay in the panic room after they'd fought Famine, didn't change the fact that he was contaminated. His past come back to haunt him.

Maybe Brady was right and the blood was why they'd been able to manipulate him so easily, in spite of Dad's training and Sam's own desire to do good. That blind spot of trust he had given and had betrayed so many times. Brady whom he'd thought was helping him find a nice girl because he was his best friend. Ava who'd almost killed him and Jake who had. Ruby and her lies of help, care, and desire, even though she was a demon. The only ones who'd never betrayed him were Bobby and Dean, though Dean's words calling him a monster just before he'd set Lucifer free still hurt. Sam had come to realize that it had been the truth at least to a large degree.

Ruby had led him seriously astray. She had told him just the things he needed to hear. Yes, she'd saved his life. She'd been there for him as support both physical and emotional. He'd taken that support too weak and devastated to stand on his own after he'd first lost Dean. She had given him a purpose a reason for fighting in seeking revenge on Lillith and a means to accomplish it first in the training and later in the power of blood. She'd let him think he made most of the decisions. She'd given him help and more training but not as orders to follow, but as help, as a partner. She'd seemed to be helping him carry on the family business of hunting as best she could and Sam had wanted that. But worst of all she'd given him the illusion of being in control of having a say in deciding the course of his life, something he'd craved since childhood and Dad's incessant hunting, and training.

He'd wanted revenge on demons for loss of Mom, Dad, and Jess, but mostly revenge on Lillith for Dean's deal. Too late he had learned it was all one big trap, that him killing Lillith was what Lucifer had truly wanted all along. He had been played for a fool.

Now after hearing what Brady had had to say, he knew that it hadn't been the first time either, his whole relationship with Jess had been a trap to get him back into hunting with Jess as the innocent victim and revenge as the bait.

Brady, his once best friend, had been possessed, so Yellow Eyes could manipulate Sam. The demon, had introduced him to Jessica, setting in motion his return to hunting, his obsession with revenge, and ultimately his downfall. Sam hadn't even realized it thinking he was 'safe' at Stanford. But his trust and love had gotten Jessica killed, and his path of revenge and anger had betrayed them all. Betrayed by those he'd trusted, lied to and manipulated by demons that was his life.

Earlier

Earlier when Dean had left with that demon Crowley and Sam hadn't wanted to believe it. After all that talk about how he'd chosen Ruby over him, Dean had chosen Crowley over Sam. Admittedly to try and stop the Apocalypse but still Crowley was a demon and Dean was had claimed belief in him on the trip back from the beautiful room. That Dean had left him behind as a liability because a demon said so had hurt, it had hurt bad so Sam had found a bottle and started drinking. Losing Dean again and to a demon well it at least felt like hell here on earth.

Somewhere in his drinking Sam had realized that even if they got the rings they still didn't have a way of getting Lucifer in the cage. Sam had found himself wishing he could help, that he wasn't such a failure and the abomination Castiel had called him. That he could some how make up for the mistake of letting Lucifer out by helping put him back in and then he'd realized it might be that simple. Maybe just maybe by jumping into the cage himself he could set things right.

Sam had called Bobby. Of course first he'd pointed out Dean had gone off with a demon, but Bobby didn't seem to have a problem with that because of how desperate things were getting, so he'd asked some questions and then mentioned his idea. Bobby had gotten upset and pointed out they'd just talked Dean out of saying yes. Sam couldn't let it go though and had pointed out the lack of other options but promised he wasn't going to try it alone.

Sam thought back on the many times he'd made decision that turned out bad. Leaving Jess alone after the nightmare, not shooting Dad when ordered, sending Eva home unprotected, turning his back on Jake, not listening when Dean told him not to use his psychic stuff, not admitting to his plans much less his addiction after Dean came back, escaping the panic room and going straight to Ruby. Yeah part of that was due to the fact he'd been addicted by the time Dean came back from Hell, but really he never should have trusted Ruby in the first place. He'd just been so desperate to save Dean from the crossroads deal that he'd himself believe that maybe his dealing with a demon could save Dean from Hell. So many times he'd made what seemed the best choice only to find out later how wrong he was. So now he wasn't going to make any decisions alone.

Bobby had pointed out he wasn't "mister anger management" and even said "How are you going to control the Devil when you can't control yourself?" When had Bobby lost belief in him? Sam didn't know but it hurt. It hurt even more than losing Dean, because Bobby had always believed in him. Now he'd lost everything and everyone important to his foolish choices. He just wasn't dependable or worthy of anything. He needed to prove himself, so maybe they could trust him again.

When Dean had left with Crowley, they'd left him behind because Crowley hadn't trusted him. Just great, no one was trusting him any more not Bobby, not Dean, maybe not even himself.

When Dean had returned with Brady he talked about 'staying on mission and doing this because he trusted him"

"Trust me to what" Sam had asked.

Dean had yanked him away when he'd wanted to kill Brady. Brady had of course introduced him to Jess and Sam wanted revenge for that in a way that burned his guts. But Dean had continued pointing out that "killing that thing in there" wouldn't help the situation that "they needed pestilence to get at the Devil, and they needed Brady to get at Pestilence."

He'd had a hard time believing Dean trusted Crowley and pointed out how many times that very thing had betrayed Sam himself. "Like I trusted Ruby, or I trusted Brady back at school."

Crowley had walked away. He'd gone to talk to Brady or actually the demon that was wearing Brady.

"Look Sam," Dean had calmly pointed out, "I don't really trust Crowley, but if he can help us then I think it is worth the risk. We need to find Pestilence and get that ring. And if Crowley is the one that can do that, then so be it. We use Crowley to get the job done. Now you need to go calm down. After we no longer need Brady then we'll rethink our options."

"Options?" Sam had snarled, "What options, and I hope you realize, no matter how well meaning Crowley seems he is still a demon."

"I'm not trusting him. I'm using him," states Dean vehemently.

"Yeah, and that how I started with Ruby."

"You're too close to this Sam. You're almost out of control and you need to grip on that anger."

"Yeah, you're at least right about that. See you later, Dean" says Sam turning around and walking off, while muttering under his breath "I just hope you know what you're doing."

Sam has left the room so he fails to hear, "Me too, Sam, me too."

A little while, later.

Sam has reached a decision that he must test himself. He then trapped Dean in the bathroom while he confronted Brady, by himself with no one to stop him but himself. It had been a close thing at one point. He hadn't realized Brady had actually been the one who killed Jess. It had taken a few moments to overcome the rage, to beat back his desire for revenge, but he'd done it. He'd overcome the taunting and the laughter at his expense because he'd had learned a hard lesson from Ruby and Lillith about how his anger and desire for revenge could be used to serve demons. This time he had won not the demon manipulation, not the rage, and not the need for revenge. Maybe he wasn't a total failure and maybe he could be of some use, even if he was still the weakest link.

He had realized that killing 'Brady' now would only destroy their chances of getting at Pestilence. So Sam had walked away leaving 'Brady' with only a minor nick and feeling that Bobby had been wrong that he could control himself when provoked. He had his temper on a leash. Dean was finally trusting him, he'd shown that trust when he'd returned in spite of what Crowley wanted.

But when Sam had gone to the bathroom and let Dean out. What had been Dean's first response? Wanting to know what happened to Brady. That had made perfect sense, but then Dean hadn't believed him when he'd said nothing had happened. Dean had had to have proof. So much for believing Sam would do what needed to be done. So much for trust.

He had though he'd hit bottom when Dean had walked out with Crowley, but no. Dean had returned against Crowley's wishes rekindling his hope. Sam finally thought that Dean had indeed returned the favor of having faith and that they could take them all on and do it their way. Then the bathroom incident had shown once again that Dean didn't fully trust him and that hurt. Yeah, so much for Dean trusting him, no he wasn't really trusted just given the benefit of the doubt because he was family because as weak as he was they still needed him.

Sam remembered Dean saying just after Bobby had been hurt that he didn't believe they could ever be the same. Sam had asked then what he could do and the answer had been nothing, that he just couldn't trust him.

There had been times since that he'd thought he'd regained his brother's trust, apparently that had been a false hope. That time when they'd gone back together after their separation when Dean had returned the knife. The time when Dean had offered to let him drive after the mess at the wax museum. Hell, he'd even mentioned considering Sam as more an equal.

Then there was Carthage losing Jo and Ellen and his discovery that Lucifer wanted his rage and desire for revenge. The asylum visit and visiting the past had helped him. But then they'd tangled with Famine and his addiction had returned with a vengence. Yes, he'd overcome it and not managed to drink anymore demons after the first two but it had earned him another stay in the panic room at Bobby's. His weakness, his addiction, and his failure to be the partner his brother needed this was his own private hell on earth.

They'd been able to work together to stop the false prophet, but after that they'd gone and gotten killed again. It had been hard to believe God had forgiven him and for few brief moments Sam had been happy. Finding out God wouldn't help them any more had been a serious blow, worse yet the memories of his past that they'd seen in Heaven had hurt and alienated Dean. When Cas had returned the amulet and Dean had deliberately thrown it away in front of him Sam had realized that Dean really didn't want him as a brother or anything else.

Dean had snuck off to go say Yes to Michael. Sam had managed to stop him with Cas's help. Sam had placed his trust in Dean while they'd tried to save Adam. On the drive back from California Dean had said that he realized Sam was an adult and the least he could do was return the favor and have faith in Sam.

It had been good to be a team for a little while. They'd taken on several gods and saved several people even though Gabriel had been destroyed, still with his help they'd had a plan to stop Lucifer and had started hunting Pestilence.

Sam had thought maybe they could take them all on, after all he and Dean were together. Dean had said he trusted him and Bobby was supporting them, but then Crowley had shown up and Dean had gone with Crowley. Dean had left him behind trusting a demon to be his partner instead of Sam. Useless and worthless and once again unwanted and unneeded that was indeed the pit of despair and a private hell on earth.

After Crowley had gotten the information they'd needed, Crowley had walked away knowing they would destroy the demon that had been Brady. Really there was no other choice, because the body was dead and exorcising the demon would only send it to hell and torment. This was a mercy killing and it needed doing. Dean had left it to him to make the kill possibly thinking that it would make Sam feel better even as Brady had taunted him that revenge by killing him would make him feel all better. But Sam was past feeling all better, and pretty much past worrying what anyone said anymore. It no longer mattered what he felt, he'd do his job because that was what he could do.

Feeling better was as pointless as hope, caring took too much energy, and both only opened the way for more pain. Everyone lied to him and no one really trusted him, not without proof and he had no proof that he wouldn't fail or that he could help set things right. His one idea had been dismissed. But killing the demon, this was doing the job and Sam knew it. That he could do with or without trust. From now on, he would take care of business. He was Dean's shotgun and his back up. He'd help with plans and follow orders because that was all he was really good for.

Now

Sam walked away after finishing with the demon.

"maybe the only difference between you and a demon is your hell is right here" the words echoed in his head with the ring of truth. It didn't matter a demon had said them in fact who better to know than something that had lost every thing good about life. He had always done more damage than good even before knowing about his contamination.

There was little left for him here, and he now realized there hadn't been for a long while. He had failed and failed miserably with his life. His dream of a normal life then that life itself had always been an illusion. He'd betrayed the only life he could lead, the only one this world would allow him, and failed the trust of the people who had truly mattered, Bobby and more importantly Dean. Dean, who didn't fully trust him and might never believe in him again.

There was almost nothing left now, just a job to do, mistakes to be corrected, and no way out not even death. Sam knew he would do his best to help correct his mistakes and make sure Dean survived what was coming. Maybe doing the job would be enough because really what else was left.

"your hell is right here" the demon had said and it was true.

**A/N Thanks for reading please review. **

**This is my second post, so am I going in the right direction?**


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